FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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