He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
