are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize