I am in a vortex of obligation.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
