i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
