So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
