im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
