I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
