I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
