Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
