When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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