At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
