If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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