I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
