How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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