Small penises have feelings too.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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