The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
