3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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