I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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