Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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