party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize