i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
