i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
