omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
