I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize