I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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