The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
