your parents love me but you hate me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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