Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
