How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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