fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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