im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
