Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
