This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
