one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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