great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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