there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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