I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
