she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
