First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My dick has a subreddit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
