Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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