Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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