What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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