I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
