Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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