how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
