I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
