Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
