My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
