i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
