My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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