Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
