Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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