As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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