based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
