i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
