We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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