i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
