Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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