just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I understand Curling. That high.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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