She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
