I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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