I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize