can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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